The Strawberries of Doom & the Cornchips of the Stairs


What can I say, if I had been any smarter I wouldn’t be in this situation, but I wasn’t and so I had skipped school and wound up here…
Here’s how it happened…

I started out running through the land of Iwannafrickalollipop.I don’t when I started running. I was just running, all right?!!! *God, leave me alone* Little red blobs were following me and – OH MY GOD!!! THEY’RE CATCHIN’ ME!! Little red strawberry blobs – evil little bastards. They won’t stop following me. Runnnn!!! *Spplaat!!* Scary red juice all over the trees. Okaaaay, good. Keep running. OH, NO. Cliff!! Jumping, no flying, oh, no…Faaallling!
I don’t know why, but right then seemed like the right time for a song.
“I believe I can fly
I got shot by the FBI
All I wanted was chicken wing
From a place called Burger King”
But right before I could jump into the second verse, those damn cornchips got in the way. Crunchy sunshiny little chips-obviously made of corn – obnoxious little ##$##$, but no immediate threat. Annnyway, those frickin little SOBs jumped right under me and up, up, and awaaaay! Because cornchips can fly of course. But *sob* they *sob* ruined *sob* my *sob* song *sob, sniff*.
So there we were, and me just flying on the back of a giant tasty chip. Too bad my tears made the chip all soggy. The chip went all mushy and stuff and whadayaknow, I fell through a giant freaking hole in my freaking chip. For the second time, I was flying – oh, no wait, I was FALLING! “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” *Boing.* Wait, why was there boing and no splat? I want splat! Oh, look, trampoline!!! I jumped on my new found bouncy thing-a-ma-jig, when it suddenly sucked in my foot and became a giant spider web. I was trapped. Just then a giant spider with bright red eyes creeped down the web. Holy Hell, did I scream. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
I HATE SPIDERS! And this was no ordinary eightlegged freak. Red eyes…Naraku!! Evil spidery bastard Naraku! He tried to kill my beloved Fluffy!!! Oh, God, Fluffy is soooo goooood.
“NOO!!” I screamed. “Why did you try to kill my boytoy?!! Why??!!”
Naraku in spider-form looked at me solemnly. “He was such a good fuck.”
NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! He killed my Sessho – Fluffy. He killed my Fluffy. *Sob*
REVENGE WILL BE MINE!! I will kill – oh look, a shiny…Damn my ADD…or ADHD…whichever it is…While I was staring at my shiny like a girl who eyes a hot piece of ass, someone in a hot red cape flew down to rescue the idiot damsel in distress. Guess who. Superman. Superman?!! What the hell is he doing here???? Anyone who knows me will know that I have the hots for DareDevil. Tight red leather…aaah *drool*
Anyway, that tight-wearin freak swooped me up and guess what? Up, Up, an Awaaay. Enough people! I don’t wanna fly. I just end up falling again. But the bastard no listen!! Right now I really wanted my flying Cornchips to save me. Come back, Cornchips! Save me!! No luck. Okey-dokey. I talked to myself instead. I’s said “Self (cause I call myself that sometimes) self, you gotta save yourself.” But the lazy-ass Voice in my head just said “Sorry, dude, you’s be on you own.” STupid Voice –he’s never any help. Just like the evil Leprechauns. EVIL Leprechauns. They tried to take over my brain. But my helpful Elves chased them out of my mind. And now they’re at war. But no worries – VICTORY WILL BE OURS!
I aimed a kick at the back of Superman’s leg. He dropped me like a hot potato. Dammit. I mean, what the hell people. I don’t wanna fall. But luckily, when I fell, I only a hit a giant Jelly Blob that was slowly eating Iwannafrickalollipop. Oooh, Jelly Blob…taste good…After eating the grapey tasting Jelly Blob I heard sounds behind me. Like a meep, meep. I turned and – OH NO! It looked like the evil Strawberries of Doom and obnoxious Cornchips of the Stairs had been having a love affair, creating the STAIRS of DOOM. Bright red stairs flew towards me with razor teeth. We’re doomed! And why is that escalator flying? They swarmed around me.
“I just wanna go home.” I cried. “There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.” A sea of colors swirled around me and…POOF.
I opened me eyes and found myself at home in my bed, surrounded by smelly markers. I looked at the one in my hand…the red strawberry smelling marker. Screaming, I through it out the window. Picking up my Sharpies, which I like so much more, I sniffed one. Then, Luke Skywalker jumped up through my window, carrying a machete.
“Austa la vista, baby,” he said, and sliced my throat. Awesome, I’m dead. My ghost floated out of my body and hovered above it. Invisible to Luke, I stared at him then my dead self. “That was for not inviting me to your stupid party last year,” he said.
Dammit. I knew that party would come back to haunt me.